I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
