There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
