I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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