i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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