Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
