I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Randomize
