Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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