Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
