You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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