True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I believe in your delicious
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
