Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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