I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
