why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Randomize
