you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
