I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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