There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I need water and some morals
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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