you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
