I think I just saw someone hide a body.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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