He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
