I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My Higher Power is John Stamos
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
