there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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