Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
