I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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