Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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