I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Damn victory sex feels great
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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