if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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