Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
