I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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