i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
