Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
