I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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