I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize