You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
