Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
