You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
