i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
