Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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