I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
barbara walters just said penis...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
