Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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