my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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