Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
