She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
