watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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