it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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