I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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