dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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