Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Drunk is not a location!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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