i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
