I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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