Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
