Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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