We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize