can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
420 ftw
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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