Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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