sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
