So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
