If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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